July 23, 2010

It was around 3:40 in the morning.

In real life, Jon woke up and got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I woke up, aware enough that this is what he was doing. In the 2 minutes that he was gone, I fell back asleep deep enough that I did not hear the dump truck noisily emptying the dumpster next door. Just the same, in those 2 minutes, I had a dream bad enough that I woke up hyperventilating and proceeded to bawl hysterically for the next 30 minutes. I was then sort of calm enough to talk to Jon about, but after that it took another half hour to fall back asleep and today my eyes are puffy and my stomach feels awful and full of gas bubbles from all of the air I swallowed.

The thing is, to most people, the dream would not have made them that upset.
Jon and I were either getting ready for bed or just generally winding down for the night, but it was still light out. We walked up our stairs and he said, smiling, I have something to tell you. I suspiciously ask what. He says that he has been "chewing for the past year". My mind immediately goes to Big League Chewing Gum and I thought it strange that he felt he had to fess up to chewing gum every day at work. I tell him it is okay. But then it hits me - that is not what he meant at all. I stop and I say, Wait, do you mean gum or do you mean tobacco? He, again smiling, says tobacco. I flip out. He is laying on his bed, still smiling. I say, I f-ing knew something was up! In my dream, I start crying here. I get on the bed and I say that I love him so much that it hurts, and I would never do something like that to him. He basically brushes it off, and brushes me off in the process, saying its not a big deal. And I back away from him and can barely get my thoughts to focus as I tell him that I have to leave, that I cannot stay with him, that I cannot be with him. He thinks I am way over reacting and as I am changing out of my pjs and putting on clothes to leave, he basically sarcastically says Okaaaaaaay, you can leave. At this point, I wake up.

The really upsetting thing about it was how he was totally ignoring my feelings. I felt absolutely heart broken when I woke up. Now honestly, I do not expect everyone to understand my psychoses over tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. But I do expect Jon to respect it, and his blatant disregard in my dream was, quite literally, my worst nightmare.

Jon rubbed my back until I was ready to talk, and he assured me that he does understand and I never have to fear anything like that. He is good to me. My stomach is in knots today though, which is really obnoxious.... so I am taking the morning easy and just trying to rehydrate. :/

The good news out of all of this is that I should be safe from another dream like this for at least a month or two. They come around about that often.